I’ve come to the understanding that I’ve been clinging to my athletic identity as I thought it was the only channel for love to be received in.
I still cling to this identity in my job as a sports-performance coach.
I cling as I start a business based in athletics to help others with their athletic goals, as if I can prevent them from the pain I’ve experienced.
While this is a good first step, I clearly see that this is my ego attempt to survive within the only frame that’s ever felt close enough to real.
I’ve recently received praise for this business, and the steps I’ve taken, however, I felt nothing because my ego was the only one to eat it up.
Yet somewhere deeper, there’s a knowing to shed this identity that I’ve tried so hard to hold onto.
There is a knowing that I meant for more.
Not even that I am meant for more, but that I am meant to just be present.
I am equipped with the skills and specific knowledge that this identity has brought to me. However, it is not the only way I can be.
Presence shows me that I am more than the identity I’ve been clinging so hard onto keeping.
Presence shows me that I am multi-faceted and can do whatever I please with ease.
Presence shows me how much of my life has been dictated from the frame of being an athlete.
But presence also shows me I can step in and out of this identity with ease and understanding that it is not all I am or was meant to be.
Presence is the key to understanding.
Why You Cling to Your Athletic Identity
You cling to your identity because you fear the loss.
You are so defined by your athletic ability and you have been rewarded for it.
You’ve been in athletics so long you don’t know who you truly are.
You are wearing a mask and are afraid to look in the mirror once you take it off.
You don’t want to take your mask off or leave behind the athletic identity.
It serves you, you like it, and other people like you in this role.
But, it’s not you.
it’s only a part of your being that you’ve confused for your whole being.
When the time comes to hang up the mask, you feel like a part of you (or all of you) is dying.
There is a void.
Because you let the identity control so much of your perception and self-worth.
You got caught up in the doing and forgot what it’s like to be.
You got caught up in the external validation of your athletic identity.
You crave it. You don’t know how to give yourself internal validation.
You’ve lost the ability to trust yourself.
Other people’s opinion of you, praise of you, advice for you, means more to you than the words of your intuition.
You forgot what your intuition sounds like.
If it’s speaking to you, you’re not listening.
That is why you face resistance to letting the identity go.
You don’t know what else to do but to be an athlete.
Your ego survives as long as you cling to the identity.
The ego will do whatever it takes to survive & control.
Your ego (the one that’s trapping you in your athletic identity) seeks attachment to something or someone for the being-ness it cannot feel.
Will your sense of being be diminished by the loss of the identity?
No.
Will your ego try to make you believe it has been diminished?
Yes.
What to do about it?
Be present.
Hold space for this part of you to exist, but return home to yourself.
Athletic Freedom
Return home to the knowing inside of you that you are more than just an athlete.
Return home to your being by showing yourself unconditional love whether or not you continue to be an athlete.
Return home to yourself and forgive yourself for thinking that your self-worth and validation were conditional (instead of unconditional) through the lens of athletics.
Forgive yourself for what you didn’t know.
The other day, I met with my Dad and was early to work.
I decided to take the long way to work.
It’s fall and the dirt roads in Michigan are beautiful.
As I was driving, I realized I was about to pass the old soccer fields I used to play on as a kid.
Just a week prior, I had passed these fields and got emotional (unconsciously) so this time, I stopped.
I got out of my car and sat beneath a tree and gazed at the field.
In that moment aloud I said “I forgive you, Izzy”.
A wave of emotion hit.
I continued to show myself forgiveness.
Forgiveness for not knowing what I didn’t know.
Forgiveness for the injuries.
Forgiveness for thinking my self-worth was tied to my athletic performance.
Forgiveness for clinging.
Quickly, forgiveness turned into compassion and gratitude.
Aloud I was still speaking to myself.
I was grateful for the sport, for all it’s taught me.
Grateful for the experiences, good or bad, because it got me to this point.
All my experiences have given me the opportunity to be here with others navigating the same challenges.
Grateful that I am able to be in my power and my light and pass that light onto others who seek it.
Athletic freedom is releasing yourself from the conditioning of athletics while also continuing to be an athlete.
I am still an athlete, but with the understanding that this athletic identity is a part of me and knowing that allows me to release any clinging to external validation, praise, or sense of self from this part.
It allows me to show up as an athlete, to be grateful for the ability to continue to play sports into my late 20s and have a desire to keep my longevity as an athlete so I can continue to do what I love.
Without presence I would be miserably using my athletic identity to give me a form of self-worth and then be devastated when I didn’t feel like I’d received it.
Now, I can only thank this part of me as I live in Athletic Freedom.
More soon,
Iz Quane