JUNIOR YEAR COLLEGE:
I was struggling.
Not with grades, not with friends, but with myself.
I spent lots of time in my head.
My mind filled with anger, negativity, and self-hate.
On the outside, I was charming, funny, smart, and kind.
On the inside, my body was screaming at me and my mind had it’s hands over the mouth of my intuition.
My intuition was trying to tell me I wasn’t in the right place, that I needed to return to BEING instead of DOING.
Instead, I was miserable.
When you’re miserable inside, you become miserable outside.
My external environment was turning miserable.
I didn’t like my major (as it turned out I didn’t like it ever, but stuck with it because my intuition was stifled) but it was too late to change it.
My apartment became cheap, unclean, and made me feel like I was slowly dying.
I isolated myself to drive the miserable-ness I was feeling further.
My body reacted too.
I fought off nagging injuries every week at soccer practice.
I was stiff, tight, sore and in pain.
I neglected my health, and it was catching up to me.
I started to cry randomly and for no apparent reason.
SENIOR YEAR COLLEGE:
Lust happened in this year of college.
I had met a girl and we started dating.
It was exciting and my mind thought that this was my cure.
With my intuition stifled, I couldn’t hear my true path.
I kept my major and my mind concocted a plan for me to go to law school.
It was at this point that my intuition was breaking free from the grasp of my mind.
I was full of mental resistance.
The path was so unclear I began to become overwhelmed.
No future felt right.
No future with the girl I was dating, no future job I wanted to be in, no future in sports.
I felt defeated.
During this time, I spent almost all my time in my head.
My emotions and social conditioning worked over-time to find an answer to my problems.
The clock was ticking down to graduation and all I wanted to do was hide.
Hide from my parent’s expectations of who I was supposed to be.
Hide from society’s demand that I fill a meaningless job in the cog of meaningless work that will soon become automated.
So I did.
I hid from my true self using fear.
GRADUATION: FEAR
Graduation was here.
I had no plans.
I had a girlfriend who was not right for me.
I had nothing I could see in my future that was worth doing.
I didn’t know my inner purpose because I had never spent time BEING with myself.
Instead, I was searching for my purpose OUTSIDE OF MYSELF through DOING.
Doing what others thought I was good at.
People-pleasing.
Taking feedback from other’s as a way to not have to face my own self-doubt.
Not understanding my self-doubt was just my intuition trying to tell me I wasn’t aligned.
Acting in roles that I thought were good for me, only to be full of resistance and negative thinking instead of presence and peace.
I graduated and moved home.
My girlfriend broke up with me shortly after I graduated.
I felt like a failure.
I isolated myself and cried.
For weeks.
POST-GRADUATION: AWAKENING SORTA:
For me, awakening came with a sudden break from my past.
I graduated college and moved home.
I now had to find a job and support myself.
I broke up with my girlfriend (even though my mind didn’t want to break up).
I had to spend time with myself instead of avoiding myself through another person.
And I didn’t like anything I had just spent the last 4 years learning, so I felt utterly confused.
I spent the next 4 months going to a new job I already knew was NOT for me and spending most of my free-time wallowing or using vices to keep me numb.
After all of the change in circumstances, I still didn’t trust myself enough to change.
Awakening sometimes looks like everything you’re NOT supposed to become, before you remember who you are.
In my life, I got presented with everything incompatible with my intuition and consciousness and then suddenly something came to me from without.
I had a chance meeting with someone that brought immense expansion into my life and they didn’t even know it.
A 30 minute conversation with a stranger was a test from the universe and my intuition was finally free to answer.
I quit my job and dove into the unknown, scared as shit.
CURRENTLY: PRESENCE
As I navigate life as a new business owner, I am much better at taking time to BE instead of DO.
I have a long way to go.
Reflecting upon my past has been a form of self-love.
In this moment, I am grateful for it all as it shows me that I am just a part of a huge play, the play of the universe.
I am in an era of expansion, rapid change, and growth.
This wouldn’t have happened if I had forced my purpose to reveal itself.
It was at the very moment that I stopped SEARCHING that my inner purpose was revealed to me.
Purpose can change with every moment, but for now, I think I am living it.
CONCLUSION:
If you are searching for you inner purpose, don’t.
If you feel lost, be lost.
Sit on the floor.
Give yourself your undivided attention for 30 minutes straight.
Feel all that comes up.
Watch your life change.
WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW IN THIS MOMENT:
Sit in silence, watch your mind try to distract you from the present moment.
Repeat as often as you want.
I love you,
Iz Quane